from "A Colloquium on the Necessity of Understanding Audio Input Received as Pertains to Popular Culture"

Firstly, let me say, ladies and gentlemen, that these are trying times. Children are beginning to disrespect persons of authority, and committ other dangerous moral crimes not befitting the future of the finest country in the world. {pause} Thank you. Now, it has come to the Organization's attention that children today are more and more increasingly listening to a variety of music known as "Hip-Hop," or "rap," as some call it. This music contains numerous grammatical errors, non-words, and copious, almost ridiculous usage of the vernacular, in addition to known slang languages such as "Ebonics," if we can indeed call it a language, per se. What the Board has realized is that it is fundamental, crucial, even, to our dominance of the children to begin to understand what these songs are about. If we may begin with a popular number, "My Humps," by a band of individuals calling themselves the Black-Eyed Peas. We find it necessary to devise a plan of comprehension; hence, we will use the traditional Stickberg-Engelmann "line by line" rule.
{Ahem}. The first lyric: "Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk." An innocent-sounding line, to be sure. But, ladies and gentlemen, this is not a reference to various items stored in some type of chest! No, it is in fact a reference to the female's posterior region! {Chaos} Ladies and Gentlemen! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! Thank you. Now, we must continue in this effort, despite its rather grotesque nature. I know, sir. Yes, your wife may leave, sir. I will arrange to have the minutes forwaded accordingly. Continuing: "I'ma get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump." Now, the female singer in question is not actually referring to imbibing alcohol -- in this case she is referring to her own posterior again -- this time with the usage of the phrase " my hump," and hereafter "my hump" we will assume to mean "posterior," -- and she also refers to a state of physical arousal with the phrase "love-drunk," meaning, "visibly aroused or titilliated." I think it goes without saying, ladies and gentlemen, that titilliation is the very last thing we want our children to be. Let us skip to the line, "Whatcha gonna do with all that breast, all that breast inside that shirt." Well, as may be surmised, the Peas are not referring here to a chicken breast, rather a human female breast, which we may presume is housed snugly inside a tightly woven shirt of some type..mm....excuse me. Ahem. Now, the rest of the song follows these same basic premises, and we can sum up the message of the song in understandable english, like so. If you will please direct your attention to the powerpoint. First, the actual, nearly incomprehensible lyrics found in this "art."

I drive these brothers crazy
I do it on the daily
They treat me really nicely
They buy me all these ices
Dolce and Gabbana
Fendi and the Donna
Karan they be sharin'
All their money got me wearing fly
Whether I ain't asking
They say they love my ass in
Seven Jeans
True religion
I say no
But they keep giving
So I keep on takin
And no I ain't taken
We can keep on datin
Now keep on demonstratin.

Now, for the plain english version, we present our translator and resident linguistics expert, Dr. William L. Blakeslysworth. {steps aside} Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Let us get down to brass tacks, shall we? The basic message of the song, as paraphrased here, is as follows. Now, before we begin, I'd like to say what an honor and a privilege it is to be working for the Organization. Again turning our attentions to the projector... {muffled murmurs}

I cause these African-American males to be psychotic,
I do it daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They purchase for me various kinds of diamonds,
High-class fashions,
I spend a large portion of their incomes on expensive clothing,
I am not inquiring whether
They proclaim to be fond of my posterior in various types of pantwear
I announce I am not interested,
They continue to provide me with outlandish gifts,
So I continue to accept these gifts,
But I am not involved in a relationship,
We can continue our courtship ritual,
Please, continue to demonstrate your prowess as a male.

{crowd getting visibly upset}

Ladies and gentlemen, I assure you there is no cause for alarm. These acts, foul and immoral though they may be, are not actually being carried out by any members of the musical group in question. Although, we must ask ourselves, what if our children were to hear this type of music? Indeed they do, sir. Calm down, distinguished guests. Please! Let us maintain order! ORDER! I IMPLORE YOU TO BE SEATED, PLEASE! DO NOT FORM AN ANGRY MOB! THERE IS NO CAUSE TO SET FIRE TO THE FACILITIES!!!

{gunshots and chaos}