This Piece To Be Read Exclusively To The Accompaniment Of "Somebody Hates Me" By Reel Big Fish

Every once in a while, with teasing and coerceing, a little bit of honesty slips out of people. It's kinda like a nipple slip with celebrities, but instead of nipples it's truth. Blessed, pure, unrestrained, hateful, vile, rancid truth. As far as an intro to the quote we are about to receive, well, it speaks for itself. Someone (NO I will not tell you who) said this about me. And He Quoteth, "adam, I'm a grown adult with a lot of shit on [my] plate right now and I don't need some lonely, self-righteous, selfish bastard telling me..." Suffice it to say that this is an excerpt of a conversation during which one of the participants got pissed. Rather than doing something juvenile (oh alright this is extremely juvenile), I've decided to critically evaluate myself and respond to these statements.

1: Lonely. This is very true, I had a wonderful relationship with a girl back in high school, but have been girlfriend-less (as some astute readers have observed) since then. Can I fix this problem? Sure, I just have to (according to hollywood) be either rich, successful, good-looking, or wearing expensive clothing. Well I'm not poor but I'm not rich either, so that's out the window, I like to think I look decent if I bother to shave, I enjoy a moderate amount of success (in general), but I don't wear expensive clothing. Hitting on 1.5 cylinders out of 4 or so. Yes, I will admit that I can get lonely.

2: Self-Righteous. Hoo boy. I subscribe (the monthly fee is really quite modest) to the Ayn Rand school of philosophy, which advocates selfishness (we'll get to that later), but self-righteousness is different. "Sure of one's own righteousness," I guess that sorta applies to everybody, otherwise we wouldn't have the opinions we do. Am I more self-righteous than others? Well, I tend to think that the morals, attitudes, and opinions that I have are the best, so yes. To the point of "neener neener, I'm better than you?" Occasionally, yes, but usually in jest.

3: Selfishness. Dead On. I am a selfish bastard. The method I normally use is the image of a wheel like you'd find on a bicycle, spokes and all. I think of myself as the center of the wheel (ha ha yes, everything revolves around me), because in my own life, I am the most important person. Isn't that the way it should be? Whose life is it, again? Oh yeah, it's MINE. I was given (for whatever reason), about 80 years to spend on a rapidly spinning, blue-green ball. I'm going to try and enjoy those 80 years as much as possible. While I am the center of the wheel, the spokes are also present, and necessary for supporting the wheel as a whole. Without any spokes the wheel would not exist. The spokes are other people and other causes different from my own. Family and friends. So while the focal point of the structure is the center (me), the spokes (everybody else) are also crucial.

As an editorial, using selfish and self-righteousness together is pretty sloppy work. And, on the other hand, is that really all that's wrong with me? Kickass! Two of those things I like, and the other one I hope to fix soon. Note, also, the conspicuous absence of phrases like "and you smell funny" or "you're a poser," or "you're a retard." Political Correctness be damned.

So, in summary, virtually nothing is wrong with me. Oh, and yes, build the flowing golden shrine to me somewhere cool, like Iceland. That way people will have to make a pilgrimage.