Tonight on ESPN
Announcer: Welcome to ESPN's CenterSports StatShot Tonight on CenterSports StatShot we discuss Major League Baseball: who will secure their place this October for the playoffs? Week 3 of the NFL is at an end, and we discuss the major offenses and defenses so far. What's happening with T.O.? Who has jumped out to an early lead in the race for the playoffs? All this and more....on CenterSports. Now, here's Chris and Suzy.
Chris: Suzy, let's get straight to the stats tonight. What've you got for us?
Suzy: Alright Chris, looks like we've got quite a situation developing on the Bosox front -- they've got a home game tomorrow, as you know, but unfortunately David Ortiz's favorite grocery store in Boston is completely out of Nutella.
Chris: Nutella? Really, Suzy?
Suzy: Indeed, Christ, Nutella has actually played a key role in the career of David Ortiz. Allegedly, before every game, he ritualistically smears an entire raw chicken with Nutella, then consumes it whole.
Chris: Suzy, I'm just having a hard time believing that that's healthy!
Suzy: Indeed it isn't healthy, Chris. Experts say that a Nutella-coated chicken could contribute as much as 45% of a grown man's daily fat requirements.
Chris: Suzy, perhaps this is where "Big Papi" gets his namesake from.
Suzy: Perhaps it is indeed, Chris. Chris, listen to this next statistic. I know you're going to be as shocked by it as I was.
Chris: Fire away, Suzy.
Suzy: Ok Chris -- in situations where there is a lack of availability of Nutella-coated chickens, David Ortiz is in fact 0 for 9 at bats.
Chris: Bear with me here, Suzy -- I'm just curious: what were the other times that Big Papi has gone without his delicious -- and puzzling -- treat?
Suzy: They were, in fact, all games against Minnesota. Chris.
Chris: Suzy, are you telling me that they don't have Nutella in the Twin Cities?
Suzy: Chris, that is absolutely true, Chris.
Chris: What other interesting stats are there tonight, Suzy?
Suzy: Well Chris, apparently Derek Jeter woke up at exactly 7:16 a.m. today.
Chris: Suzy, that is interesting indeed, but...
Suzy: Let me finish, Chris. Our statistics show that on days when Jeter wakes up at an odd hour (7 is not divisible by 2) AND when the minute is divisible by four, but NOT by six -- then Jeter usually gets no hits, going 3 for 23. Also, every previous time that has happened, he has been beaned in a region above the knees, but below the ankles, Chris.
Chris: That is striking, Suzy.
Suzy: Christ, I've got one final statistic on the day for you --
Chris: Did you just call me Christ?
Suzy: and that is the developing story with the Kansas City Royals. Apparently, all of their starting pitchers are Virgos, and -- as I'm sure we all know -- Virgo's moon is in fact in Taurus, and has been for quite some time. This would explain the Royals' terrible season, Chris. Chris, we all know that Virgo is opposed to Taurus. How can anyone expect the Royals to win in this situation? They've gone 8 for 45 since their moon has been in such an unfavorable position.
Chris: Alright Suzy, let's take a quick commercial break. For Suzy, I'm Chris.
Suzy: And I'm Suzy, Chris.
Chris: I said that. Suzy.
Suzy: Also, Terrell Owens. Thank you, and goodnight.
Chris: Suzy, we'll be back after the break. Can you just...
Suzy: Right after these messages.
Chris: Suzy, let's get straight to the stats tonight. What've you got for us?
Suzy: Alright Chris, looks like we've got quite a situation developing on the Bosox front -- they've got a home game tomorrow, as you know, but unfortunately David Ortiz's favorite grocery store in Boston is completely out of Nutella.
Chris: Nutella? Really, Suzy?
Suzy: Indeed, Christ, Nutella has actually played a key role in the career of David Ortiz. Allegedly, before every game, he ritualistically smears an entire raw chicken with Nutella, then consumes it whole.
Chris: Suzy, I'm just having a hard time believing that that's healthy!
Suzy: Indeed it isn't healthy, Chris. Experts say that a Nutella-coated chicken could contribute as much as 45% of a grown man's daily fat requirements.
Chris: Suzy, perhaps this is where "Big Papi" gets his namesake from.
Suzy: Perhaps it is indeed, Chris. Chris, listen to this next statistic. I know you're going to be as shocked by it as I was.
Chris: Fire away, Suzy.
Suzy: Ok Chris -- in situations where there is a lack of availability of Nutella-coated chickens, David Ortiz is in fact 0 for 9 at bats.
Chris: Bear with me here, Suzy -- I'm just curious: what were the other times that Big Papi has gone without his delicious -- and puzzling -- treat?
Suzy: They were, in fact, all games against Minnesota. Chris.
Chris: Suzy, are you telling me that they don't have Nutella in the Twin Cities?
Suzy: Chris, that is absolutely true, Chris.
Chris: What other interesting stats are there tonight, Suzy?
Suzy: Well Chris, apparently Derek Jeter woke up at exactly 7:16 a.m. today.
Chris: Suzy, that is interesting indeed, but...
Suzy: Let me finish, Chris. Our statistics show that on days when Jeter wakes up at an odd hour (7 is not divisible by 2) AND when the minute is divisible by four, but NOT by six -- then Jeter usually gets no hits, going 3 for 23. Also, every previous time that has happened, he has been beaned in a region above the knees, but below the ankles, Chris.
Chris: That is striking, Suzy.
Suzy: Christ, I've got one final statistic on the day for you --
Chris: Did you just call me Christ?
Suzy: and that is the developing story with the Kansas City Royals. Apparently, all of their starting pitchers are Virgos, and -- as I'm sure we all know -- Virgo's moon is in fact in Taurus, and has been for quite some time. This would explain the Royals' terrible season, Chris. Chris, we all know that Virgo is opposed to Taurus. How can anyone expect the Royals to win in this situation? They've gone 8 for 45 since their moon has been in such an unfavorable position.
Chris: Alright Suzy, let's take a quick commercial break. For Suzy, I'm Chris.
Suzy: And I'm Suzy, Chris.
Chris: I said that. Suzy.
Suzy: Also, Terrell Owens. Thank you, and goodnight.
Chris: Suzy, we'll be back after the break. Can you just...
Suzy: Right after these messages.
posted by Adam Canfield @ 12:12 AM
1 Comments:
At November 14, 2006 at 8:47 PM,
Unknown said…
I Like your blog, bud. Laughed out loud at the fantasy MadLibs. I will be back (which means my presence will probably drop your credibility a notch or two.)
Take care.
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